I love the way our almost perpetually sunny weather can suddenly turn violent and rough. I get a thrill every time I look out my window and see a sheet of rain moving quickly and enveloping the Makati skyscrapers in a fog. I enjoy watching the sky turn ominous with fat gray clouds and the wind becoming chilly as it gets laden with moisture.

I love rainy weather but only when I don't have to leave my house.

This must be a holdover from my school days when bad weather was rejoiced by millions of students for the brief respite it will provide from the drudgery of school. As a young girl I would wake up with a shiver of pleasure whenever the weather dropped below 20 degrees (this happened more in the past decade). A delicious feeling of anticipation would overcome me as I waited for my yaya to come into my room and announce that there would be no classes.

I long for those days, when pleasure could be gained from such simple events as a little rain. These days, with my work time flexible and not really having to follow a strict schedule (perks of being freelance!) I can no longer enjoy days like these. Rarely does the weather turn bad enough to affect the corporate world and when it does, the responsibilities of adulthood do not disappear, bills still have to be paid and deadlines met.

So even though I know the super storm "yoyong" brought much tragedy and destruction to the world, I am taking a tiny bit a joy from the fact that once more, for a brief moment, I could relive the anticipation and joy stormy days bring into my busy life.

On Female Friendships & Scorecards

A few days ago I saw an old high school friend in a café and we started talking. We talked about our lives, our friends, their lives, and are plans for the future. The conversation itself was nice, informative and not very personal but what bothered me was that throughout our exchange my friend would bring out a mental scorecard and begin noting points according to my answers. I’m sure many women out there can relate when I say that we are too competitive with each other, but keeping score of who’s better off in what aspect of their lives is taking the competition too far.
I learned from this old “friend” that the newest social status for couples is to go on a vacation abroad with your partner’s family. Apparently being a part of their family vacation is the highest pinnacle of success in coupledom. This was news to me, I thought being together for a long time and being welcomed in their family’s intimate gatherings were enough proof that we were an accepted couple. If this wasn’t enough, I learned that entrepreneurship was also another social status. It seems that if you have not created your own business by age 25, by social consensus you are considered unsuccessful.
When did society gain the right to rule my life? Who gave everyone else the power to create social consensus and expectations and mandate that our lives be lived in accordance to these? When did I sign over my brain and gave absolute power to the faceless masses? I do not understand how people can go on living their lives simply going through the preset standards and fulfilling the expectations set by other people.
Unfortunately this “friend” of mine is the norm rather than the exception when it comes to my peers. Most females I know practice the cattiness, the gossiping, the scrutiny and judgment of other girls and they do not find anything wrong with this. They never outgrow their social circles; they merely expand it to accommodate more of the same kind of people. These girls never mature, they continue to have the intense desire for social acceptance and external affirmation. That’s why it is so important for them to keep a scorecard because it’s the only way they can keep track of their personal progress and their rank within their social circles.
How sad it is when one can no longer have a simple conversation with another girl without being slapped in the face with a scorecard to keep track of all the shortcomings she believes you have. How can real friendships flourish among such competitive people? And why must women always feel the need to be perceived as better off than the other woman? It could be the fault of our culture, the great pressure exerted on girls to be nice and to get along with everyone while at the same time excelling and being better than the crowd. This brings out the external camaraderie while creating the need for the competitiveness to be hidden. The currents of bitterness, envy, and cattiness are underlying in every glance, wave, and conversation.
I wonder if there is anything that can be done to teach the younger generations not to practice or condone this kind of female rivalry. I wonder even more if the older women can be taught to change their ways of dealing with each other. Perhaps it will take something big like a cultural revolution to alter these destructive behaviors, but I am hoping that through feminist literature and philosophies like objectivism women of all ages can transcend all this pettiness and move on to enlightenment. I hope that through literature and the influence of strong women with integrity we can all change our priorities and outgrow the behaviors that cause friendships to be such volatile and dangerous things. We need support not scorecards, we need real understanding and not mere actions mimicking this, and most of all we need real conversations not just the measuring and judging contests women usually have with each other. We need to grow up beyond what our culture has socialized us to be, we need to think with our own minds, set our own standards and create meaningful relationships that build instead of destroy.




For Now...

Having been immensely busy these past few months and terribly ill the past week, I return with my head bowed in both shame and discomfort. I have ignored my online journal long enough and I keep getting nagging voices telling me to write something, anything…but alas, too many things happen that prevent me from heeding that call.

So here I am once more, wedged in between cusps in my life and reduced to this mass of writhing, contemplating, whirlwind of options and potentials. I can feel my energy draining away as I try to focus on at least one topic to write about, sadly, I can’t. I’ll keep this short and sweet. I have been contemplating my life, appreciating my experiences and loving every minute of being alive despite all the stressors, distractions and illnesses. I will be back someday, but for now I am quietly content to write my essays elsewhere and share my thoughts in person.

Anyone who wishes to contact me can email me at treephilosophy_km@yahoo.com

Farewell for now...





Triumph of a tormented spirit

I had spent a large part of my life believing that I was grossly imperfect, from the shape of my face, to the size of my chinky eyes, to my height, I thought everything about me needed work. It never occurred to me that I may be okay, acceptable, even palatable just the way I am. So after having spent a large part of my life viciously contemplating areas that needed improvement and the means by which I can attain my desired “perfection”, solutions that often entailed major diets, extreme exercises and one great make-over, I am now pleasantly surprised to find myself at peace with my body.
No one teaches young girls to value themselves, most of the social institutions are only too happy to get their hands on insecure, impressionable young minds for it becomes easier for them to instill preferred values that will either turn out a profit or continued life-long support and attendance. Media, magazines, movies, and the American culture prizes beautiful perfect looking girls and women, rarely will we see feature stories done on plain looking mousy brainy women unless they’ve managed to snag a hunk or have climbed their way into power, or redefined themselves through surgeries or life changing moments that rescued them from the monster known as Frump (being frumpy/unattractive).
So where could I have learned to value myself despite living in a society that barely respects the intellect and potentials of women and is peppered with teachings that women are meant to be wives with no power over their husbands and no say over their own reproductive health. I always respected myself even when I was plagued with self-doubts, no matter how contradictory that statement may seem it is entirely possible. See, I knew that I was an intelligent human being and although in my insecurity was not entirely convinced of my attractiveness, I was absolutely certain of my value as a human life with countless potentials. I was no door mat, I did not let pretty popular girls walk all over me, I stood up for what I believed in and I spent most of my time, when not dwelling on my perceived imperfections, broadening my mind with what I thought was a vast array of literature.
I also instinctively knew that if I did not respect myself no one else would. And thanks to the undeniable influence of the countless romance novels I had read, I also knew, in concept, that to be deemed attractive by anyone else I must cultivate my own interests, feed my mind, nurture my body and be a non-needy complete person on my own. By saying complete I do not mean someone who no longer needs to grow and is almost the epitome of perfection on her own, I mean someone with substance, with character and a stable definition of herself without the constant need to be attended to, taken care of, or nurtured by another human being. This state of utter dependency on another person to complete, perfect or make whole is what I fondly call being a “cling-on” (no offense to the Cling-on race of Star Trek). These are the men and women who can not stand alone even for a few quiet moments, and when left to be on their own they wear this lost, dazed look as if aimlessly searching for something missing that they have not yet been able to define (it’s called a brain).
I vowed never to be this kind of person, no matter how much in love I get, and still deep inside I would heard a voice chiding “who would ever find you attractive enough to fall in love?”. Through years of defining and redefining myself, though piles of books and hundreds of well-meant advice, countless gab sessions with equally unsure and searching friends I have emerged surprised. Stunned to find that I can actually laugh off hurtful comments about appearances, revealing to me how far I have traveled since my painfully self aware adolescence, pleased to realize that I have transcended the perpetual need to be liked, accepted and seen as nice, happy to note that I am content in my own world and I no longer shrivel up inside in the harsh light of comparison against my peers because they have long since ceased to matter.
How did this transition happen? How can I explain it in the hopes of pulling out another unfortunately floundering soul? Or must we all suffer through this personal hell to emerge triumphant in our self-acceptance? Perhaps if pre-empted one loses the chance of ever salvaging a crumb of spirit from which a content person may emerge at a distant date after long journeys within. It could also be that to attain satisfaction one must begin from within, honing the mind, sharpening the skills, attending to the spirit and the wisdom that can be squeezed out of our human experiences through thoughtful reflection and only after achieving that internal intellectual equilibrium can one find within the ability to appreciate the body once thought to be deformed and utterly imperfect.
I am uncertain and so as not to misguide I shall keep my opinions to myself. Maybe at a later date, such as a doctorate study I can test my theories and once more broach the topic and give definitive answers to the question of confidence, self-appreciation, satisfaction and a shifting body image. For now I just air my questions, share my opinions and happily report that I am heartened by my realizations that after years of self-torment one can emerge only slightly scarred and tremendously triumphant.





In Silence & Solitude

There are moments in our lives when it becomes inevitable that we be alone, and it is in those moments that we come to see if we like our own company. To be alone, with no one to converse with, no one to share with, just oneself, there is nothing to be done, there is nothing to prove and all that is left is the resounding echo of an inner voice that we often disregard in the chaos of our days.

I wonder how many other people come to appreciate themselves when they are alone. Countless others dull away the moments of possible growth by turning on the television or by striving to keep themselves busy, too busy to stop and hear the whispering. I wonder, if despite all my struggles and journeys I am still one of those unfortunate majority who stay mired in the muck of life that strips away real insight and deaden the senses.

Is this life I’m leading truly the way? Is there one real equation for how we should live our lives so that we can be deemed worthy of our existence? If there is an equation, then who dictates it? And if there is none, then how are we to gauge our lives? These questions may remain unanswered for a very long time, I just wanted to share it so others may share in the enlightenment and the misery.




Yoga Fire Series Experience

I just began my first 30 minutes of the yoga Fire series and the exhilaration is immense. I can understand why many people choose to practice the yoga lifestyle of no meat and mostly dairy consumption. My body feels like a well-oiled machine, it feels light, fluid, graceful and strong. Anyone who scoffs at this, I challenge to 30 continuous sun salutations and chatarunga poses, if your muscles are not quivering like jelly and your body aching like one big sore bruise I will personally congratulate you.

Many people have the misguided idea that yoga is for the skinny wanna-be graceful trendy socialites who are always on the look out for the latest answer to their aging problems and the latest fad exercise to keep them skinny. Well this series of yoga, much like Jivamukti and power yoga made famous by Madonna, requires strength, skill, balance and flexibility. Skinny people without an ounce of muscle will not be able to get through the first five minutes of this series.

This series has challenged me more than any other exercise routine I have ever been on, even though I was already up to lifting 25 lbs for my arms and 85 lbs for my legs. My back aches, my toes and fingers feel like curling up into useless little balls, my whole torso feels tingly and my legs refuse to stand. This practice has made me more aware of my movements, of my body’s motions and of my breathing. Posture contributes a lot to how we move and breathe and it is one of the first things yoga teaches every beginner, the other basic skill is to master practicing the yoga breath through the body contortions and wonderfully challenging poses.

I have been a yoga supporter and practitioner since I was about ten years old. I was looking for a form of exercise that was fun, quiet and that might help me lose some baby fat. I found one of my mom’s old yoga books and began following the poses daily. I have had an on-and-off affair with yoga for the past thirteen years and although far from being a master I consider myself intermediate. If I had practiced seriously I may well be on my way to India by now, but I got drawn to other exercises like tai chi, arnis, badminton, tennis and more recently pilates, although I still go back to yoga after several months.

Perhaps there is something in my constitution that draws me to the meditative challenges of yoga or maybe because it has been a part of my life for so long that I grew up oriented towards this form of exercise. I cannot answer this for sure but one thing I am certain of, is that I always used to view yoga just as an exercise routine, a way to stay limber and lose fat, but now I am seriously considering studying their lifestyle and seeing how I can adopt it into my own.

With the recent health scare my family has undergone, I am looking for a new way to improve our health and change our lifestyle. If I can make this lifestyle work maybe my family can adopt some healthy habits from it as well. The thought of becoming semi-vegetarian is becoming more appealing as I read more medical articles that state how unhealthy and unnecessary meat is to the human body. If I can respect my body and see it as something pure and sacred then I don’t think I’ll be willing to put rotting meat inside my mouth to masticate and digest.

For now I am taking small steps, a little progress each day will help me go a long way in figuring out how to address my health issues and not entirely give up my love affair with food. I wish me luck.






My Life’s Philosophies

We never know what we are about to get into as we each travel to fulfill our destinies. For many of us, the life we envisioned for ourselves never actualizes but we learn to be content with what there is. Sadly, there are even more people out there who keep striving to reach their goals and once there, realize that it was not all they expected it to be. The shattering disappointment of reaching a goal and yet finding it so far less than our expectations should teach a life lesson well enough, but to many they just keep on making new goals and keep on working towards them.
What lesson could life’s disappointments be trying to teach humanity? Is it the lesson of “never enough”, where we continue to strive and struggle to reach goals and once there even though still reeling from the disappointment, begin striving for a new goal, thinking that perhaps the next one will bring us the happiness we seek? Is it a lesson of futility? One that dictates that the human condition is that of suffering and sacrifice and there is no reason to strive for happiness because all our efforts will prove to be futile in the end, happiness is unattainable. Or is it a lesson on appreciation? The lesson that teaches us that sure, we may strive to reach our self-made goals, but our enjoyment of life and contentment does not lie in any one achievable goal, instead happiness is a mind frame, a way of existing, the ability to constantly appreciate what we have and what we are working for without attaching our entire life’s achievement on one concrete goal.
People never want to believe that happiness is so easily attained, because after all, why are there so many miserable people around? Personally I believe these unhappy people are the consequences of the existence of propagandas and the institutions that propagate them. Institutions like the church with their norms and dictates, society with their expectations, media with their make-believe lives and unholy standards, and culture with their strict traditions and superstitions. These are just some of the institutions that have permeated our lives and have been inculcating us with their propagandas since the day we were born.
All these institutions need human support to continue existing and gaining power, so they keep themselves alive by spewing forth propaganda that fool us into thinking that their way of life will make us happy. The church asks for obedience, generosity, sacrifice and they do not even promise anything in this life, its eternal joy in the next life, one that cannot be scientifically proven but a next life we must believe in with our strong faiths. Society dictates norms, acceptable behavior, trends and they gain strength by getting people to believe that once we submit ourselves to their standards and landmarks, we can achieve happiness after the last payment for that BMW or after the signing over of a large mansion, or after the next promotion, or the dream of living “the life” with the constant party schedules, bar hopping, travels abroad and all the luxuries at your finger tips. People who buy into that struggle to amass wealth and properties and will sadly realize one day that what may be important to the rest of “society” may not be the same for you because despite the Swiss bank account, the sports cars and the shopping sprees, there’s still an empty feeling inside…perhaps it will go away after the next big purchase.
But the euphoria of purchasing fades, and the constant struggle to sainthood tends to strip away humanity rather than reaffirm it. Very few people realize they are buying into propaganda, after all it has been the way of life of our parents and grandparents but the increase in number of intelligent individuals breaking away from the church, breaking down social boundaries and shunning others expectations has been on the rise. Some people have tried to find the answer in other religions, some have tried to forge their own paths in life and damning social and cultural expectations of a job, a family and a mini-van, many have turned to books, experts, doctors and scientists for the proper equation to finding contentment and joy.
The answer can only come from inside, cliché as it sounds. But logically, who else can dictate what will make you happy? Who else is “expert” enough to show you how to live your life, what to feel and how to treat other people? Who else should you give the power to decide what is good for you and what your heart really wants? No one…unless you like being dictated to and you cling to the safety of accepted structures.
This is my challenge, my wake up call and as raw as this essay is, this is the summation of my life’s philosophy and it is my constant struggle against the institutions that are asking me to hand over my brain on a platter and allow them to decide for me what is right and what will make me happy. It is a constant unending struggle but I know that I am not alone, for if I were alone in this battle then this is a very sad world indeed.