In Silence & Solitude

There are moments in our lives when it becomes inevitable that we be alone, and it is in those moments that we come to see if we like our own company. To be alone, with no one to converse with, no one to share with, just oneself, there is nothing to be done, there is nothing to prove and all that is left is the resounding echo of an inner voice that we often disregard in the chaos of our days.

I wonder how many other people come to appreciate themselves when they are alone. Countless others dull away the moments of possible growth by turning on the television or by striving to keep themselves busy, too busy to stop and hear the whispering. I wonder, if despite all my struggles and journeys I am still one of those unfortunate majority who stay mired in the muck of life that strips away real insight and deaden the senses.

Is this life I’m leading truly the way? Is there one real equation for how we should live our lives so that we can be deemed worthy of our existence? If there is an equation, then who dictates it? And if there is none, then how are we to gauge our lives? These questions may remain unanswered for a very long time, I just wanted to share it so others may share in the enlightenment and the misery.




Yoga Fire Series Experience

I just began my first 30 minutes of the yoga Fire series and the exhilaration is immense. I can understand why many people choose to practice the yoga lifestyle of no meat and mostly dairy consumption. My body feels like a well-oiled machine, it feels light, fluid, graceful and strong. Anyone who scoffs at this, I challenge to 30 continuous sun salutations and chatarunga poses, if your muscles are not quivering like jelly and your body aching like one big sore bruise I will personally congratulate you.

Many people have the misguided idea that yoga is for the skinny wanna-be graceful trendy socialites who are always on the look out for the latest answer to their aging problems and the latest fad exercise to keep them skinny. Well this series of yoga, much like Jivamukti and power yoga made famous by Madonna, requires strength, skill, balance and flexibility. Skinny people without an ounce of muscle will not be able to get through the first five minutes of this series.

This series has challenged me more than any other exercise routine I have ever been on, even though I was already up to lifting 25 lbs for my arms and 85 lbs for my legs. My back aches, my toes and fingers feel like curling up into useless little balls, my whole torso feels tingly and my legs refuse to stand. This practice has made me more aware of my movements, of my body’s motions and of my breathing. Posture contributes a lot to how we move and breathe and it is one of the first things yoga teaches every beginner, the other basic skill is to master practicing the yoga breath through the body contortions and wonderfully challenging poses.

I have been a yoga supporter and practitioner since I was about ten years old. I was looking for a form of exercise that was fun, quiet and that might help me lose some baby fat. I found one of my mom’s old yoga books and began following the poses daily. I have had an on-and-off affair with yoga for the past thirteen years and although far from being a master I consider myself intermediate. If I had practiced seriously I may well be on my way to India by now, but I got drawn to other exercises like tai chi, arnis, badminton, tennis and more recently pilates, although I still go back to yoga after several months.

Perhaps there is something in my constitution that draws me to the meditative challenges of yoga or maybe because it has been a part of my life for so long that I grew up oriented towards this form of exercise. I cannot answer this for sure but one thing I am certain of, is that I always used to view yoga just as an exercise routine, a way to stay limber and lose fat, but now I am seriously considering studying their lifestyle and seeing how I can adopt it into my own.

With the recent health scare my family has undergone, I am looking for a new way to improve our health and change our lifestyle. If I can make this lifestyle work maybe my family can adopt some healthy habits from it as well. The thought of becoming semi-vegetarian is becoming more appealing as I read more medical articles that state how unhealthy and unnecessary meat is to the human body. If I can respect my body and see it as something pure and sacred then I don’t think I’ll be willing to put rotting meat inside my mouth to masticate and digest.

For now I am taking small steps, a little progress each day will help me go a long way in figuring out how to address my health issues and not entirely give up my love affair with food. I wish me luck.






My Life’s Philosophies

We never know what we are about to get into as we each travel to fulfill our destinies. For many of us, the life we envisioned for ourselves never actualizes but we learn to be content with what there is. Sadly, there are even more people out there who keep striving to reach their goals and once there, realize that it was not all they expected it to be. The shattering disappointment of reaching a goal and yet finding it so far less than our expectations should teach a life lesson well enough, but to many they just keep on making new goals and keep on working towards them.
What lesson could life’s disappointments be trying to teach humanity? Is it the lesson of “never enough”, where we continue to strive and struggle to reach goals and once there even though still reeling from the disappointment, begin striving for a new goal, thinking that perhaps the next one will bring us the happiness we seek? Is it a lesson of futility? One that dictates that the human condition is that of suffering and sacrifice and there is no reason to strive for happiness because all our efforts will prove to be futile in the end, happiness is unattainable. Or is it a lesson on appreciation? The lesson that teaches us that sure, we may strive to reach our self-made goals, but our enjoyment of life and contentment does not lie in any one achievable goal, instead happiness is a mind frame, a way of existing, the ability to constantly appreciate what we have and what we are working for without attaching our entire life’s achievement on one concrete goal.
People never want to believe that happiness is so easily attained, because after all, why are there so many miserable people around? Personally I believe these unhappy people are the consequences of the existence of propagandas and the institutions that propagate them. Institutions like the church with their norms and dictates, society with their expectations, media with their make-believe lives and unholy standards, and culture with their strict traditions and superstitions. These are just some of the institutions that have permeated our lives and have been inculcating us with their propagandas since the day we were born.
All these institutions need human support to continue existing and gaining power, so they keep themselves alive by spewing forth propaganda that fool us into thinking that their way of life will make us happy. The church asks for obedience, generosity, sacrifice and they do not even promise anything in this life, its eternal joy in the next life, one that cannot be scientifically proven but a next life we must believe in with our strong faiths. Society dictates norms, acceptable behavior, trends and they gain strength by getting people to believe that once we submit ourselves to their standards and landmarks, we can achieve happiness after the last payment for that BMW or after the signing over of a large mansion, or after the next promotion, or the dream of living “the life” with the constant party schedules, bar hopping, travels abroad and all the luxuries at your finger tips. People who buy into that struggle to amass wealth and properties and will sadly realize one day that what may be important to the rest of “society” may not be the same for you because despite the Swiss bank account, the sports cars and the shopping sprees, there’s still an empty feeling inside…perhaps it will go away after the next big purchase.
But the euphoria of purchasing fades, and the constant struggle to sainthood tends to strip away humanity rather than reaffirm it. Very few people realize they are buying into propaganda, after all it has been the way of life of our parents and grandparents but the increase in number of intelligent individuals breaking away from the church, breaking down social boundaries and shunning others expectations has been on the rise. Some people have tried to find the answer in other religions, some have tried to forge their own paths in life and damning social and cultural expectations of a job, a family and a mini-van, many have turned to books, experts, doctors and scientists for the proper equation to finding contentment and joy.
The answer can only come from inside, cliché as it sounds. But logically, who else can dictate what will make you happy? Who else is “expert” enough to show you how to live your life, what to feel and how to treat other people? Who else should you give the power to decide what is good for you and what your heart really wants? No one…unless you like being dictated to and you cling to the safety of accepted structures.
This is my challenge, my wake up call and as raw as this essay is, this is the summation of my life’s philosophy and it is my constant struggle against the institutions that are asking me to hand over my brain on a platter and allow them to decide for me what is right and what will make me happy. It is a constant unending struggle but I know that I am not alone, for if I were alone in this battle then this is a very sad world indeed.





Healthy Living Pains

Today I start on my journey to healthy living. My family has always known that our lifestyle was unhealthy, my dad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes two years ago, my mom has perpetually been borderline diabetic with high levels of bad cholesterol and both my parents have had hypertension or high blood pressure since the mid-80’s. Yet despite all these medical problems that resulted from a diet of fatty foods we still kept eating the same things.
We blame the Chinese blood in us, making us all inclined to enjoy rich creamy, fried, and tasty (high in sodium) food. We blame an entire lifetime of spoiling our palettes with oily sauces, buttery vegetables and anything cheesy, creamy, sweet and delightfully baked. We are a family of good cooks and excellent bakers. In recent years the most our mom did to help us become a little healthier was to cut back on her weekly baking of deliciously irresistible goodies.
All this is going to change drastically. My 30-year-old sister just got back from our endocrinologist who analyzed her blood chemistry results and said her cholesterol and sugar levels were for a 50 year old person. They were much too high for someone so young and for someone who constantly goes to the gym. If she keeps up the way she is eating she will be plagued with hypertension, blocked arteries, perhaps diabetes and a high risk for heart attack within the next ten years.
My doctor has not seen my test results yet, but I have a feeling they will not be much better than my sister’s, after all I do eat richer, fattier foods and I have a huge sweet tooth that usually sabotages my “healthy” eating urges. Facing the possibility that I will become dependent on blood thinners and cholesterol lowering drugs while I’m in my 30’s, increasing my health risks and decreasing my chances for living a healthy life and having a healthy pregnancy, I am stunned, humbled, and scared.
I have a lot of friends who have changed their lifestyles almost completely, taking on a sport, becoming absolutely passionate about eating, living and exercising their way to good health. My med student friend Ramon has been trying to convince me, and Thomas, to give up our buttery, cheesy favorite pastas and choose healthier alternatives but we needed something more concrete to push us into the right direction.
This is the biggest push ever, the grim announcement from our doctor that if we continue with our current lifestyle we will most probably be dead before the age of 65 from medical complications or even a stroke, if not we would have undergone bypass surgery or something equally invasive and horrible. Those terms are just unacceptable.
Right now I am struggling, I am consciously trying to remind myself to choose healthier alternatives but my house is teeming with leftover bad food that I love to eat. Chocolates and all sweets must be limited, no more gravy, avoid all foods with beef and pork, and minimize dairy products. They just eliminated my entire diet! I dislike most fruits, I eat vegetables but not in large quantities, I dislike salads and I rarely eat seafood, now I must turn everything around and give up my breakfast staple of mayonnaise and butter on toast, hot chocolate with full fat milk…
I’m not certain how long this process is going to take, I know I should start slow and get my whole family to evolve with me but a lifetime of habits will not be easy to break. So to anyone wondering why I suddenly get irritable around meal times, please bear with me, I’m giving up some of the most enjoyable treats in life for the sake of living longer.




My Schedule Everyday

I wake up at around 7:30 am every morning, have breakfast with my family and get ready for my day ahead. If I have to go somewhere, like do market or product research, I fix my stuff everything from my bag, clothes, accessories and shoes. Then I plan my route and schedule all my stops, plan my meals, contact the people I may meet up with and make a to-do list if I have more than 10 things. If I don’t have to go out, I go back to my room and either tidy a little, grab a book or get sucked into the vortex known as the TV.

The only way I can keep myself from wasting my life watching TV is to limit my shows and stick with the ones I’m really interested in. I get my daily dose of Oprah, craft, cooking & home improvement shows. I get a lot of my materials from lifestyle shows and entertainment news. Some of my business ideas actually come from things featured in craft shows or business interviews. So I justify my TV time by rationalizing that it’s for research, yeah right!

Then depending on my schedule, I go on-line and hope to catch my honey through the instant messenger, I check my e-mail, update my webpage/blog and surf my favorite sites for new fun tests, virtual fashion updates, recipes, medical research and whatever interests I have. Then I do my journals or I work on my projects, I have about 6 in progress from worksheets on 7 Habits of highly effective people, beading, deconstructing some of my outdated clothes, finish recreating my crystal jewelry, researching on French lessons and continuing my study of Mandarin and Fukien. Obviously, I hope to be finished with some of these by the end of the year. I’m also trying to update my books-to-read list, organize my library and begin crochet projects for fashion accessories.

Anyone can see that I like throwing myself into things that interest me, one of my main interests is writing, I hope to get published one day or get a regular column in a nationwide newspaper, of course writing about more insightful and though provoking issues than my daily schedule but just to satisfy the exhibitionist in me I’m trying to give my friends/readers a peek into my life. I hope people find this interesting, God knows I don’t think anyone’s reading, but I’m glad to be writing about anything because it makes me more aware of being alive so this is more for me than anyone out there.

December 15, 2003




Death in Life

I wonder how come the older we get the more stuck on the past we seem to be. There is a progression of how far someone is living in the past and it usually coincides with one’s biological age. Like take my amah for example, that’s paternal grandmother in Chinese but she’s actually my maternal grandmother, she sent an SMS to my mom last night reminding her of all our relatives who died in December and which death anniversary they were going to offer for.
A short background on the Chinese culture, we are the people who burn paper money, cardboard mansions and cars for our dead. We celebrate death anniversaries and all souls day by climbing up our mountain mausoleums and preparing lavish feasts that we set on an altar as offerings to our dearly departed and then after the dice, stones or I-ching says its okay, the whole family gets to eat themselves silly.
Death is a big deal to the Chinese, there are thousands of traditions to keep and hundreds of rules to remember. We keep large framed pictures of our dead in an altar inside our houses and offer them incense every day. Once in a while, for reasons I still cannot fathom, the moon dictates that we offer food. There are so many traditions even I don’t remember let alone understand but I’ve always known without a doubt that the Chinese celebrate death as much as they do life.
So it comes as no big surprise to me when I realize that my 80-year-old amah is becoming one of those women who live their lives using death anniversaries as milestones for recollections or as pegs in her life map. Our culture puts a great deal of importance on death and when you’ve traveled so far and encountered it so many times, your life is inevitably changed. Could it be that the older you get the more enthusiastic you are about remembering those who have passed on because you are hoping that those you leave behind will continue the traditions and celebrations and include you in the long list of the departed, perpetually recalled and celebrated until your family’s line has run out or the way of life changes too much.
This is the way we deal with death. My mom, who has seen so many of her family die, has coped by believing that they are better off elsewhere than on this troubled earth and she will be happy for them. I like the way my mom thinks and I find it more consoling to focus on the good the person has moved on to rather than the emptiness he has left behind.
Its haunting, the thoughts of death, mortality, everyone eventually moving on and it strengthens its hold over me as I see my amah slowly become even more enmeshed in keeping tabs on deaths in the family. She is aging and instead of savoring what life has to offer, she is fixating on those who are gone and will never be again. I am not sad because I know where she is coming from and what aspect of our culture has brought her to this state, but I am left wondering if this is an inevitable fate and one day I will be a vibrant 80-year-old fixated on the dead as well.




Man’s Search for Happiness

I see so many hungry souls out there. People who have given up on life and who are now walking around in empty shells. Some of the dead giveaways are their vacuous eyes, slow response time and noticeable difficulty in answering any question that requires the slightest amount of personal thought, reflection or insight. There are also those who numb themselves to feeling by packing their lives with need, real or imagined, they feel the need to be the best, most productive, most colorful fashion statement or whatever floats their boat.

The saddest people I have ever encountered are those who just gave up on dreaming. They slowly stagnate and lose all their interesting aspects as they slip away into quiet martyrhood and give up the struggle to hope for a better existence. I can’t help but wonder if this is a learned reaction, why is it that some people can cope with the disappointments and chaos of life while others wither away. Perhaps people react differently to life because of what their family has taught them. Some children are brought up to respect themselves, value their worth and to keep reaching for their dreams, while others are taught that the struggle is not worth it, that the rewards in life are not worth the difficulty of living a daily struggle to hope, dream and appreciate.

Of course this brings us back to the time immemorial debate of nature vs. nurture. Are some people born with the innate capacity to stay sane, vibrant and joyfully alive while others are genetically wired to quit life, give up on striving to be anything better and just whittle away? Is there a life coping skill that can be taught to orient a person towards being enthusiastic towards life instead of apathetic? This, I know, is a billion dollar question because this is what those self-help gurus capitalize on as they entice people to read their books, buy their videos or go through their workshops. They promise to give you the secret formula to happiness, a change of perspective that will allow you to appreciate life more, enjoy your experiences more and basically give you the ability to turn into a perfect, serenely put-together and happy person.

Would it be unbelievably optimistic to hope that there was an equation that would allow us humans to elevate our standard of existence into a higher plane of happiness? Perhaps it’s the scientist in me that yearns to find this equation, I thought that by studying how humans functioned, thought, and felt I would be a little bit closer to the answer but maybe even a doctorate would not bring me any closer to the answer simply because it may be unique to the person. Any happiness we can find in this life will come from a personal interpretation of the events of our lives, it is unlikely that one universal solution can give us the happiness we crave as individuals.

The closest thing to a universal solution anyone ever came up with would probably be Buddhism. The tenets of simplicity, enlightenment and appreciation can cross boundaries of culture, language and religion. Appreciation is common to almost all religions I have encountered and yet we still have hoards of unhappy people seeking something more. That something more that they may never find, or sadder still when they do attain that dream it may not give them the happiness they thought it would.
It’s still a mystery, it’s still a billion dollar question, and it is the quest that keeps people striving, living, or miserably wasting away.




Christmas Cynic, slowly seeing the light.

It’s a gloomy morning today, there are signs of impending rain, and this weather fits my mood perfectly. See, I’ve been going through some rough spots trying to battle my usual Christmas gloom and at the same time trying to lift my spirits at the prospect of spending a month without my honey, who will happily be spending the season in New York.

It has always been difficult for me to gather up enough energy to enjoy the Christmas season, for a very long time Christmas has brought me nothing but disappointments. As a child I used to expect wonder and magic to blossom in the midst of the season but all I got was a bunch of stressed out irritable adults, too much food and a yearning for gifts inspired by a very materialistic culture. The older I got, the more jaded I was to the bright lights and chipmunk sounding carols. It was just another marketing ploy to get me to part with hard earned cash to give gifts to people I don’t really care about but don’t want to risk offending, or people who I despise most of the year but am forced to give a gift to because they already gave me one.

I’m not exactly a scrooge either, I do enjoy gift shopping for the chosen few who I do care about and I enjoy the haze of “magical” cheer that comes from the glow of artfully arranged Christmas lights and décor. Although recently I’ve had a little change of heart, thanks to my man, I have been subtly converted, no not quite, more like inclined to feel the spirit of Christmas cheer. I’ve been a little less cynical of gift giving and receiving, a little more receptive to the warm heartfelt wishes for a merry season, and a little more accepting of the balance of joy and disappointments that inevitably come with the season.

Now no longer the disappointed little girl I was back in the 80’s, now I have come to terms with the real spirit of the season and it has nothing to do with bazaars, malls, and extravagant packages. I have redefined Christmas to be a reflective season, one meant for looking back on my blessings, learning experiences both good and bad, and a time to appreciate all that I have in my life. I took away the gaudy brash lights and expectations that go with the season and replaced it with soulful, quiet and reflective traditions. Making my peace with the marketing jackpot that Christmas is, I now refrain from binge shopping and make few wise purchases for really meaningful gifts or luxuries for myself, and end up feeling better for not having bought into the whole social propaganda of consumerism.

So people, consider yourself forewarned… I am not a Christmas person and on this particular Christmas, where Thomas will be away, don’t come knocking with carols and irrepressible cheer. I just might not be ready to deal with that yet.